Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
