so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
