hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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