The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So drunk its hurt
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We are all done wearing pants today
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
