Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Randomize
