wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
