I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
