I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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