I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
