:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
