Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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