Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
