No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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