is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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