I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize