I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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