I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
