I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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