Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
