Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
