I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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