Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
