Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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