I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
