The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
