you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
