I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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