It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
