yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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