You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
