Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
