and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need to align my fucking chakras
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize