I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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