Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize