i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
