you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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