she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
