Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
