WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
