I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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