Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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