Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
