Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
