Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
