Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
