ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
