I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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