I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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