I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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