A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
