I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
