How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My penis needs a shock collar
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
