Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
