I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
