Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
