There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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