he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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