Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
