I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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