I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
wow bdsm is so cute
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
