YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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