You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
