Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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