I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
